Self Care does not equal Selfish!
Dealing with Post Partum Depression
One of my favorite and most recommended “homework” assignments for clients with post partum depression is self-care. This is simply taking time to do something that is restorative for yourself. It’s a time for you to listen to that inner voice that makes you, you. This isn’t a cure for depression but it helps you remember yourself in a season of life where you and your needs seem to be pushed to the bottom of the list.Sacrificial Love Does Not Equal Sacrificing Self
The line between sacrificial love and losing ourselves is a narrow divide. New mothers fall in love with their little bundles of joy! Their mothering instincts kick in and they snuggle, protect, and attach to their babies. It’s a roller coaster ride. When I was a new mom I found that just about every part of my body was taken over by the needs of my little one. Every minute of my day was altered, crunched, and squeezed for every last drop of energy and nurturing I could muster. Our babies get their physical and emotional needs met from us almost exclusively- depending on how much support we get from our significant others. Then there the countless things we are just beginning to learn how to handle. The late night diapers, unexplained crying, and the constant vigilance for their safety and health. Are they gaining weight? Is that cradle cap? Could they fall out of their crib? Can I trust this sitter? Does it ever end?
Can we all be honest and say, motherhood is not what we see on instagram or in magazines, with their nowhere-in-sight baby gear and gorgeous white sofas? And there is a faulty assumption in our culture that as soon as we have children we will no longer have needs and we’re totally fine with it! And when we are faced with the choice of ours or our child’s needs, we will probably choose our child’s needs.
As a therapist working with young families I do a lot of self care coaching. I have noticed that many women think self-care = selfish. “Selfish” seems to be a label for pursuing any activity purely for the personal pleasure it brings. One of my favorite professors during my graduate degree said he had counseled hundreds of women and said most of the women at some point mentioned their fear of being selfish. He said he couldn’t remember any men who expressed that same fear.
The biggest hurdle on the journey toward self care is quieting that voice inside that says “selfish.” When we fly on an airplane we are all told to put our oxygen masks on first before our children! We have to fill ourselves up so we have something to give. As we care for ourselves we cultivate our inner identity, energy, confidence, and passion. When we listen to our needs we refill what has been drained from us in caring for others. In doing this we model for our families what a fulfilling life looks like, and we also show them that they are separate, but securely attached individuals. Maybe as we refill ourselves it gives us some energy back give to our significant others. This also models for our children healthy relationships and creates a safe and secure environment for our families.
So, maybe you are thinking, how in the world do post partum mothers find time for self-care? It can be so simple. A colleague of mine had a client who was completely drained and drowning in her family’s needs. She was a single mom with 4 kids. Her homework assignment was to take time for herself. So she put the baby down for the night and told the oldest to watch the others. She locked herself in the bathroom, poured a glass of wine and took a 30 minute bath. When you take the time for yourself you are telling yourself (and your partner and children for that matter) that there is room for your needs, just as there is room for everyone else’s needs! You have to legitimize, validate, and prioritize it!
4 tips for self care:
- Stop ignoring your needs and start ignoring the “selfish” voice. Advocate for your needs.
- Make a plan! Think of all the preparations you make for your family’s plans and do the same for yours. Think of hiring a sitter, put it on the calendar, budget for it, and don’t flake out!
- Keep it at regular intervals- if you wait till you are desperate you are too far gone! Plan ahead and do it, even if you don’t feel like it.
- Don’t apologize for it and ignore the guilt!
- Incorporate your support system- when possible. Invite a trusted friend along, go on a date with your husband, say a prayer or read an encouraging book that is restorative to you! Research shows that a support system is an extremely important factor in reducing your risk for depression.
About Post Partum Depression
Post Partum depression is a major depressive episode that has an onset during pregnancy (called peripartum) or within 4 weeks after delivery. When a person is depressed it is like their brain is stuck in a chemical rut. The longer their brain is in that state the more difficult it is to recover. There are internal and external influences that create the environment for post partum depression to develop. According to an article from Harvard Medical School, these can include, “faulty mood regulation by the brain, genetic vulnerability, stressful life events, medications, and medical problems.” Isn’t it interesting that the months following having a baby can include almost all of those listed. Not to mention sleep and eating disruption, hormone changes, relationship stressors, etc. To read more of the article mentioned above click here: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/what-causes-depression)
Symptoms of depression:
- Depressed mood
- Loss of interest or pleasure in things you once enjoyed
- Weight changes- gaining or losing or changes in appetite
- Change in sleep habits
- Change in activity levels
- loss of energy
- Feeling worthless or excessive guilt
- Difficulty concentrating or making deacons
- Recurring thoughts of death/suicide
For depressed individuals, these symptoms usually disrupt every day life.
If you identify with these symptoms and you wonder if you’re dealing with depression or post partum depression, reach out to your therapist or doctor. You may need a course of treatment recommended by a professional.
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