Don’t allow the feedback from others to become your inner voice.

Don’t allow the words of others to become your inner voice.

As I took a leap of faith to do something I have always wanted to do but always felt scared of, I realized that I had to trust myself, believe in my own abilities and tell myself that I was competent and capable to take on this new role in my life. Confidence is everything when jumping out into uncertain territory. I realized that I was allowing past and present feedback to become my inner dialogue. When applying for a Master’s program, the first psychology professor I met with told me I would never make it in a graduate program because of my test scores. If I had allowed his words and actions towards me to become what I thought, felt, and said to myself, I never would have made it through a Master’s of Science and Ph.D. program. With perseverance, confidence, and trust in myself I succeeded and went further than his predictions. Some days I wish I could show up in his office like I did 12 years ago and show him how far I came, but I would never do that because I knew then not to let anyone’s belief or words change the dreams and hopes I had for myself. Recently starting a new chapter in my life, taking lots of risks and treading on unfamiliar waters, I had a similar experience. Someone misread me by a phone conversation and for a split second I wondered if her negative feedback about me was valid, constructive and true. After a few days of sitting, soiling, and feeling completely devastated, I had an A HA moment. Her words were penetrating my soul, repeating in my mind, and effecting my heart. I realized I had allowed her words to become my inner voice and I felt defeated. When I realized this I quickly began thinking of all the positive feedback I have received, the confidence I knew I had, and the experiences that have led me to be a strong individual. So I picked myself up and turned my mood around immediately. With a little self-care (massage-yoga-mediation) and self-love and self-nurturing, I had reset my inner voice to think, “powerful, strong, confident, and brave” thoughts about myself. Shortly after I changed my mood I was blessed beyond belief and that one phone call no longer haunted me and set me back. Having two children of my own and working with children and teens primarily, I thought of how this can apply to their belief systems that are less mature and vulnerable. 

What we tell our children at an early age becomes their inner voice. A child who is yelled at, punished verbally and physically, and told “you’re never going to amount to anything”, “you’re so stupid”, and “no one will ever love you” begins to believe those messages they hear over and over. Their self-worth diminishes, they withdrawal from peers and society believing they are unlovable, and they begin to build up a wall to protect themselves that takes years to break through. Often times these children become depressed, insecure, and develop hypervigilance fearing the people and world around them.

 Children are resilient and can overcome the worst abuse. As they become adults those words they heard as a child can creep into their lives and cause hurt and emotional pain. SO the next time you have had a long day at work, experienced bad news, or are frustrated with all the cheerios spilt on the floor, remember to refrain from saying harmful and hurtful words to your children. You are creating their inner voices and you don’t want it to be “you’re so clumsy and stupid”. Instead tell your children, “You’re so brave for trying that, we all make mistakes, let’s try it again”. Empower your child and tell them positive things about themselves. It may seem simple but you’re creating their inner voice so that when they feel like giving up, they can tell themselves, “I can do it”, “I’m brave and strong”, and “I’M POWERFUL AND CONFIDENT, I CAN DO ANYTHING”.

Playful blessings,

Dr. Brooke